10 Reasons England Is Better Than New Zealand

That’s right – we’re doing this. Suck it, Kiwis!

1) England has better pubs

The oldest pub in England dates back to 1189 and is built into the sandstone beneath Nottingham Castle. There, you can drink your warm, flat beer in a cave containing a tunnel up into the castle. And if you just scoffed at the words “warm, flat beer”: it’s warm and flat so you can actually taste it. This means English beer has to be good beer, unlike the fizzy, frozen sheep’s p**s that Kiwis call Lion Red.

2) England has cheaper groceries

This one isn’t at all subjective. The weekly food shop in England is easier on your wallet than the weekly food shop in New Zealand. England has many competing supermarket companies, whereas New Zealand has only two. New Zealand needs an Aldi!

3) England has more artistic opportunities

Artists are often made to feel undervalued in New Zealand. Many leave to find success in countries like Australia, the US and, of course, the UK. England has a greater appreciation of art in general and, due to its population, far more of it. Kiwis are generally less willing to “waste” their hard-earned cash on the arts.

4) England isn’t in the middle of f**king nowhere

From New Zealand, it takes a lot of time, preparation and money to visit practically any other country. You can’t just pop to Europe on a whim. (Yeah, yeah, Brexit. Grr.) Sometimes, New Zealand feels depressingly isolated. Of course, being in the middle of f**king nowhere has its advantages, but cheap luxury items isn’t one of them.

5) England has better history

You might think I’m a hypocrite for saying this, as I wrote this rather impassioned defence of New Zealand history, but – face it – at the end of the day, England’s history is more exciting. (If only because there’s more of it.) Viking raids, murderous kings and castles under siege is the stuff Western fantasy’s built on!

Stonehenge

6) England has better buildings

I mean it’s not New Zealand’s fault it doesn’t have grand, medieval cathedrals, Tudor pubs or Georgian palaces, but…

Lincoln Information Centre

7) English houses have central heating

It is New Zealand’s fault that most of its houses were built without central heating. New Zealand might have a generally warmer climate than England, but it’s not exactly tropical. Whose bright idea was it that Kiwis didn’t need central heating?!

“Ah, she’ll be right – just throw another sheep on the fire!”

“Nah, mate, we’re not wasting any sheep. We’re hardy frontier folk. Anyone says they’re cold, they’re a bloody wuss. Stop coughing, Jono – harden the f**k up. We’ve got a tractor to mend with number eight wire.”

8) England doesn’t tax books

Or essential food items, but it’s the books I care about. (Because my priorities are on point.) Books are expensive as in New Zealand. It sucks.

9) English. Comedy.

Need I say more?

10) Umm… to be honest, I’m struggling at this point… uh… SQUIRRELS!

Yeah, squirrels. When I visited England with a group of Kiwis, they were immediately taken with the squirrels. Watching the cute, furry things scampering about under trees and snatching your offerings of food with their little hands is simply delightful. One even climbed up my grandpa’s trouser leg once, and I’ve seen a couple playing on a fallen branch like it was a seesaw! I don’t know if this necessarily makes England better than New Zealand, though, because New Zealand has its own delightfully amusing wildlife in the form of the kea

Next time: 10 Reasons New Zealand Is Better Than England

Battle of the National Symbols – New Zealand vs. England

Lion vs. Kiwi, the National Animals of England and New Zealand

The national animal of New Zealand is the kiwi, a small, flightless bird that thinks it’s a mammal. The national animal of England is a lion, a majestic, sharp-toothed hunter that, really, has nothing whatsoever to do with England. At least the kiwi is native to New Zealand!

What about each nation’s other symbols; how do they compare? Let’s see…

flower-156608_960_720 fern-159715_640

NATIONAL FLOWER

England: Rose

New Zealand: Silver Fern


NATIONAL ANTHEM

England: God Save the Queen

New Zealand: God Defend New Zealand


NATIONAL SPORT

England: Cricket, (but it’s football really!)

New Zealand: Rugby

PATRON SAINT

England: George

New Zealand: The Virgin Mary


COAT OF ARMS

England: Gules, three lions passant guardant in pale or armed and langued azure, (apparently! Well, you know, it’s basically three golden lions on a red background…)

New Zealand: The Southern Cross, a dead sheep, some immigrant ships, a wheat sheaf and some mining tools, which neatly tells you all you need to know about New Zealand, really. (Basically like this except the lion at the top holding the Union Flag is now just a crown and they’re standing on a fern…)

New_Zealand_Coat_of_Arms_1911-1956

10 Strange Things I Found When I Moved To New Zealand

I moved to New Zealand when I was ten years old. Before that I lived in a small town in England, so while moving to New Zealand wasn’t a total shock to the system, there were still some things I found strange. Here’s a list of ten:

1) Houses without stairs

family-home-153089_640As someone who grew up surrounded by tall, narrow houses with pitiful gardens, the fact that New Zealand’s houses are mostly single-storied and set apart from one another threw me at first. The ten-year-old me actually started missing stairs. I was delighted to find that one of my new Kiwi friends lived in a multi-storied house! Of course, this was in a small town in New Zealand. The new houses going up around Auckland all have stairs, being built tall and narrow to save space.

2) People going around barefoot

pedicure-297792_640No one goes around barefoot in England, except at the beach. In New Zealand – or, at least, in small towns in New Zealand – people go to school barefoot, and down the high street, and round the supermarket… Kiwis found the ten-year-old me strange because I hadn’t got toughened, hobbit-like soles. People laughed at my inability to go barefoot, but I haven’t really gotten any better at it in the last fourteen years.

3) Ferns the size of trees

fern-159715_640Well, actually, they are trees. The tree fern is the most iconic plant in New Zealand. They’re everywhere. In England, ferns are low-growing plants you don’t take much notice of. In New Zealand, they tower over you. The ten-year-old me used to expect dinosaurs to come crashing out of them! Today, whenever I return from overseas and see tree ferns at the side of the road, I know I’m home.

4) Primary schools without uniforms

boy-310099_640There are probably a lot of New Zealand primary schools that have uniforms, but no uniform seems to be more common. The ten-year-old me was delighted to find I no longer had to wear a uniform. In England, our primary school uniform had ties and everything – even for girls! And, if you were a girl, you were only just allowed to wear trousers in winter. Being forced to wear a skirt in an English winter is just cruel.

5) Warm winters

girl-162122_640In England, hot weather is rare. When it does get hot, however, it gets hotter than New Zealand. That’s too hot. New Zealand gets almost too hot in summer, but is nice the rest of the year. What I found strange when I first moved here was how warm the winters are. Often, New Zealand in winter is warmer than England summer. (And, don’t forget, it’s happening at the same time. Relatives on the phone get so jealous!)

6) Houses without radiators

stove-575997_640New Zealand houses aren’t built with radiators. Instead, they have wood-burning stoves. When me, my mum and my seven-year-old sister first arrived in New Zealand, my dad picked us up from the airport and took us to the one-storied house he’d rented. As soon as my little sister set foot in our new lounge, she flopped down in front of the wood-burner and let out a disappointed wail: “That’s a really small television!” I should point out that, immediately to the left, was a big television.

7) People talking funny

sheep-303453_640When we first moved to New Zealand, the ten-year-old me sometimes found it quite difficult to understand what people were saying. The Kiwi accent is like a less stressed version of Australian. For example, to me, the word ‘ten’ sounded like ‘tin’, and the word ‘deck’ sounded like… a story I’ve told again and again for the last fourteen years. Being told by a fellow ten-year-old to go and sit on the dick… anyway.

8) Mosquitoes

insect-158565_640I got bit so much my first year in New Zealand! I started to dread summer, because it meant the arrival of the mosquitoes. I would bath myself in repellent yet, somehow, still end up with itchy splotches that drove me insane. The last few years, though, it hasn’t been so bad. Maybe you get used to them? People often have citronella lamps in their gardens here, so you can sit outside during the long summer evenings and not be bothered by them so much.

9) Streets with grass verges

grass-309733_640Where I lived in England, there were no grass verges. The narrow, terrace-lined streets were grey from edge to edge. Half the pavement was taken up with cars parked nose-to-tail down both sides. It was effectively a one-lane road, as you had to drive carefully down the centreline to get to your house. When I moved to New Zealand, I was struck by how wide and pretty the streets were. And everyone has garages, so you don’t have the street parking problem.

10) Beaches with black sand

The ten-year-old me had never even heard of black sand! The first time I felt it I just luxuriated in it. It was like velvet. It gets really hot, of course, but my first New Zealand beach visit was in winter. I remember my dad explaining how the sand was volcanic, which just made it seem more exotic and wonderful! When I lived in England, beach visits were a rare treat, and the beaches were always crowded and tacky. In New Zealand, the beaches are just beautiful.

Bethells Beach

Bethells Beach, Auckland

European Stereotypes – Confirmed or Busted?

Are Germans sausage-obsessed sticklers for efficiency? Are the French rude cheese-eaters? Are the English a nation of reserved, tea-drinking, perpetually damp people? Join a New Zealander and a British-immigrant-to-New Zealand’s voyage of discovery…

(Well, actually, it was a train ride of discovery. Many train rides. Through Europe. It was awesome.)

European Stereotype #1:

It’s always raining in England – BUSTED!

I Rule BritanniaWe were in England for three weeks and it only rained twice!

The rest of time it was glorious – so glorious that the New Zealander complained it was too hot. He’s been telling everyone ever since that England is warmer and sunnier than New Zealand, so there you go.

Ruuule Britannia… Britannia rule the waves…

European Stereotype #2:

Germans are a little too into sausages – CONFIRMED!

It was inevitable that I’d eat at least one sausage in Germany, as I’d already promised to try currywurst*, but I honestly expected to find that the whole German sausage thing was exaggerated. It isn’t exaggerated. There were sausage stands EVERYWHERE. Every restaurant had many types of sausage. We were served pea soup with a big, pink sausage in it. It was difficult to find a snack that wasn’t sausage-based. There were even several instances of marzipan made to look exactly like sausages. As if there weren’t enough actual sausages in the vicinity. This stereotype is definitely confirmed.

European Stereotype #3:

Italians are a little too into thievery – BUSTED!

colosseumEveryone we met, in every country except Italy, upon enquiring about our itinerary, warned us about Italy. “Don’t keep your wallet in your pocket,” they all said. “And don’t fall asleep on any trains,” some added. Apparently, Italy was swarming with thieves and gypsies and thieving gypsies. Except it wasn’t. We spent a week there and, despite being on high-alert due to paranoia, we didn’t see a single suspicious character anywhere. So either all these Italian thieves are very good, or this stereotype has been a tad exaggerated.

European Stereotype #4:

English food is bad – (sadly) CONFIRMED!

A medieval monk's dinner at Rufford Abbey. With one addition. I didn't put it there.

A medieval monk’s dinner at Rufford Abbey… with one addition… I didn’t put it there.

I was born in England and I’ve grown up with very good food, (thanks to my mum, who’s both English and a great cook,) so I was keen show my New Zealand-born boyfriend that English food isn’t actually that bad – it’s just a stereotype. Unfortunately, the two relatives we stayed with in England are both single males, so not the best examples food-wise. Worse, one of those males is the sort of old, set-in-their-ways Northerner who regards spaghetti bolognese as too foreign. The food we experienced in England, therefore, included pie and chips, egg and chips, spam and chips, Chinese takeaway and, of course, fish and chips. Not that fish and chips is bad, it’s just boring**. Even if it is covered in brown sauce.

“You have to have brown sauce,” my uncle told my boyfriend. “You’re in England.”

“What is brown sauce?” my boyfriend asked. “I mean… what’s in it?”

My uncle thought for a moment before offering, “Brown?”

Fish and chips is a popular meal in New Zealand too, but it tends to be better in New Zealand – tastier, fresher fish.

European Stereotype #5:

Germans have no sense of humour – BUSTED!

Germany: the only country in the world where you can take the Wank train to the top of Mount Wank.

Germany: the only country in the world where you can take the Wank train to the top of Mount Wank.

On our first night in Germany, the Germans we were staying with asked us if we liked Monty Python. We proceeded to watch Life of Brian in German. (I don’t understand German, but I know Life of Brian word-for-word.) In case you’re wondering how it translates: Schwanzus… Longus***.

European Stereotype #6:

The French are obsessed with cheese – (joyously) CONFIRMED!

The French love their cheese. I love my cheese. Being in France led me to overdose on cheese. I regret nothing.

The cheese aisle at a French supermarket. That's a quarter of it. And all so cheap!

The cheese aisle at a French supermarket. That’s a quarter of it. And all so cheap!

European Stereotype #7:

Belgium’s mainly beer and chocolate – CONFIRMED!

Bruges... it's like a f*****g fairytale or something.

Bruges… it’s like a f*****g fairytale or something.

As a country, Belgium is the butt of many jokes. Many people asked us, in all seriousness, why we would bother going there. Why? What – the best beer and chocolate in the world isn’t a good enough reason? Not to mention the chips and waffles! Well, okay, we went because In Bruges is one of our favourite films and Bruges looked awesome. (Bruges is in Belgium.) And it was awesome, apart from the fact that all the shops sold the same things. Bruges was like an endless Scooby-Doo corridor, but instead of plant-clock-plant-clock it was beer-chocolate-beer-chocolate-Flemish tapestries-chocolate-beer. We even found an antiques shop that also sold beer. (Yesterdays World, if you’re ever in Bruges – highly recommended.)

European Stereotype #8:

The English are reserved – CONFIRMED!

unionflagEven though my boyfriend found people in England to be far friendlier than international stereotyping had led him to believe****, they were still noticeably stiffer than people in New Zealand. I like to think that my years in New Zealand have somewhat softened my upper lip, but New Zealand is a descendant of England, and still reserved compared to, say, France. In fact, I didn’t realise just how reserved I was until we went to France and encountered the bisou. Or bisous – three of them in the Provence! I offered a certain teenage boy I’d just met my hand for a cordial shake. He ignored it and went straight in for a kiss.

“Oh, thank y-” I began to say, but was cut off by another kiss on my other cheek. “Oh, I see, we’re doing this, are-” And a third kiss. When he finally pulled away, I was like, “Oh, umm, right, jolly good.”

I’ve never felt more English in my life.

European Stereotype #9:

The French are rude – BUSTED!

IMGP1941We didn’t encounter any rude French people – not even in Paris. Everyone seemed very friendly and hospitable, even when we were butchering their language and being ignorant tourists. Maybe the whole rude French thing arose because French people are generally less reserved than the people who like to see them as rude?

European Stereotype #10:

German trains are always on time – BUSTED!

A clever chocolate advertisement in a German train station

A clever chocolate advertisement in a German train station

This is a LIE! You’d think such a well-oiled race of competent engineers could get their trains to run on time, but practically every train we caught was late. There were delays all over the place, and it wasn’t just a case of us exaggerating the bad. Ask any German. Tell a German this stereotype exists and they will laugh. Bitterly.

But the French trains! The French trains were all perfectly on time – often to the second! What is this alternate dimension we’ve wandered into? Opposite world?

There is one aspect of Germany that lived up to the efficiency stereotype. Have you ever heard of Ritter Sport? (That’s the sound of German expats salivating the world over.) It’s a brand of seriously nice chocolate, the motto of which is ‘Quadratisch. Praktisch. Gut.’ In English, ‘Square. Practical. Good.’ Sounds delicious. (Sarcasm aside, yes, it is.) And get this – it’s square and practical because it was designed to fit perfectly into the pocket of an army uniform. Now that’s efficient chocolate.

European Stereotype #11:

French and Italian drivers are crazy – CONFIRMED!

Ever seen an intersection packed with cars at all different angles, none of them giving an inch, all of them tooting angrily like it will possibly help? I hadn’t until I visited Continental Europe. I was aware of the stereotype, but I was still shocked when encountering it. I was shocked by the fact that Parisians deliberately leave their handbrakes off when they park, to allow other drivers to nudge their cars out of the way. I was shocked by Italian drivers pausing their cars casually on the road to fill up with petrol.

“Never take your car to Paris,” a German living near the French border said to me.

“Well, you shouldn’t take your car to any city. You get caught in traffic everywhere,” I said.

“No, I mean never take your car to Paris because it will get dented.”

It's easy not caring about time in Italy...

It’s easy not caring about time in Italy…

We didn’t experience many French or Italian roads, as we were travelling by train everywhere, but the one time we had to get a bus in Italy… well…

“Oh no,” I said, looking at the bus stop timetable. “We’ve missed it.”

“You haven’t missed it,” said an Austrian teacher, waiting to board the bus with his Classical Studies class. “Have you got your tickets?”

“We were just going to buy them on board,” my boyfriend said.

“You can’t buy them on board,” said the teacher. “You have to buy them from a tabacchi shop.”

There was a tabacchi shop on the other side of the road and a little way down, but the road was busy and it would take us ages to cross. There was no way we’d make it to the tabacchi, purchase the tickets without speaking Italian, and return to the bus stop before the bus arrived.

“Just go and buy them,” said the teacher. “This is Italy. You’ll be fine.”

In the end, we had time to make it to the tabacchi, purchase the tickets without speaking Italian, return to the bus stop, chat to the Austrian Classical Studies students, purchase an ice-cream and eat it before the bus arrived.

European Stereotype #12:

The English are obsessed with tea – CONFIRMED!

teapot

Just casually in the middle of Nottingham…

I already knew this one. Whenever you enter an English person’s home, tea is the first thing you’re offered, and it gets kind of awkward if you refuse. New Zealand has inherited England’s tea culture, but I didn’t realise quite how exclusive that culture is. On our entire European journey, we only stayed in one hotel that had a kettle and teabags in the room, and that was the hotel we stayed in for one night at Gatwick Airport, before we flew to Germany. (When checking out various hotel reviews online, I found the ones bemoaning the lack of tea-making facilities were invariable written by English people.)

In cafes all over Continental Europe, I asked for cups of tea. First of all, they were shocked I wanted tea, not coffee. Second, they were shocked I wanted black tea. Third, they were shocked I wanted black tea with milk. Fourth, they were shocked I wanted black tea with milk and no sugar. Usually, the closest I got to my idea of a proper cup of tea was Darjeeling with a little plastic pot of coffee cream.

European Stereotype #13:

In France, wine is cheaper than water – CONFIRMED!

Walks along the Seine...

Walks along the Seine…

I honestly thought this one was exaggerated. It’s not. It’s actually quite hard to stay hydrated in France.

If you go into a restaurant in New Zealand, you’ll automatically be given complimentary glasses of water. This isn’t the case in Europe. If you go into a restaurant in France and ask for water, you get given a strange look. The waiter begrudgingly brings some water and, later, when you get the bill, you discover it cost you five Euros. The next time, you specifically ask the waiter for tap water, only to be told that you can’t have tap water.

Now, how can a bottle of water be five Euros and a bottle of wine be four? There were even two-Euro bottles of wine in the supermarkets. And it was drinkable wine. In New Zealand, the cheapest bottle of supermarket wine is about seven dollars. The cheapest bottle of drinkable supermarket wine is about nine dollars. Nine dollars is about five-and-a-half Euros.

Yeah, alcohol is expensive in New Zealand. But at least Kiwis know how to make tea. Oh, and you don’t have to pay to use the public toilets here.

* Sausage covered in curry sauce. A perfectly acceptable meal.

** My boyfriend’s words, not mine. I am English and therefore believe the occasional meal of fish and chips to be the ambrosia of the proles. I also like chip butties.

*** The German version of Biggus Dickus: Schwanzus (tail, slang for penis) Longus (long).

**** We were in the North of England, not London, so maybe that had something to do with it?

Wanna bust some New Zealand stereotypes? Check out last week’s article, That’s in Australia, Right?

(Oh, that’s just reminded me: New Zealand isn’t the only country that’s constantly being mistaken for Australia. When we were in Austria, we kept seeing postcards and hats and things that said, ‘No kangaroos in Austria!’ We presumed it was for the benefit of American tourists.)

Instead, Austria has accordion-playing unicorns.

Instead, Austria has accordion-playing unicorns.

A New Zealander’s View of Britain

Hello, everyone! I just got back from my Grand Tour of Europe, so I’ve finally got time to write some new posts.

As you may know, I spent the last three months travelling with my Kiwi boyfriend, starting in my native Britain. In the last post I wrote before leaving New Zealand, (Back to Blighty, or Poms Away Up Top,) I said I was nervous about returning to England. Basically, I was worried that my boyfriend, spoiled by growing up amongst New Zealand’s spectacular nature, would think that my home was a bit rubbish.

Telephone Box

Liverpool

Well I’m glad to say he didn’t.

I actually had a great time seeing Britain through the eyes of a New Zealander, so let’s invert the usual format.

Instead of a British immigrant’s view of New Zealand, let’s investigate a New Zealander’s view of Britain.

So here, in no particular order, are some of the things that struck us about Britain:

1) Summer days last far too long

It was evening when we landed at Manchester Airport. We expected to fall straight asleep after our thirty-hour journey, but we got to my grandpa’s flat and found that we couldn’t. Something was wrong. It was still light. It was half past ten at night. And it was still light.

I nearly went insane that first week.

In New Zealand, the sun sets way earlier, even in summer. In Auckland, it’s dark by nine in summer, and we’d just come from the depths of winter. Now we were facing a sun that was blazing hot before six in the morning.

“It feels so wrong,” Tim said as we climbed into bed one night. “It feels like five in evening.”

2) Britain is warmer, drier and sunnier than New Zealand

Britannia Rules the Waves

New Brighton

You just scoffed in disbelief, didn’t you? Well I know it’s not usually the case, but for the three weeks we were in Britain, the weather was beautiful. It only rained twice, and it was hotter than a New Zealand summer. I’m afraid my boyfriend came away with quite the wrong impression.

3) Britain has too many coins

After a few days back in England, I realised my purse felt unusually heavy. It was overflowing (literally, to my embarrassment in Boots,) with coppers I couldn’t get rid of. All the one- and two-pence coins really began to annoy me. When my family arrived in New Zealand in 2001, there were no one- or two-cent coins, and the five-cent coin was abolished a few years ago. I’ve become used to a light purse, especially as, in New Zealand, you usually pay for everything with EFTPOS.

4) English villages are more picturesque than New Zealand villages

priorygarden

Norton Priory Walled Garden

If you drive through a village in New Zealand, you’re likely to see a few flaky, wooden houses surrounded by farmland. If you drive through a village in England, you’re likely to see neat rows of charming stone or brick houses, each with their own perfectly kept front garden. Tim noted, quite correctly, the English obsession with flowers.

“I haven’t seen one untidy garden,” he said as we were walking through my hometown.

“There’s one right there,” I pointed out. There was indeed, but it had a real estate sign in it. We didn’t see any wrongfully neglected gardens until we turned onto my old street. My God, it had gone downhill. The window above the door of the house I lived in for the first ten years of my life was boarded up, as was the bay window of the house next-door. From the way the grass looked, it’s not an unreasonable assumption that the last person to mow it was my mum, back in 2001.

Shabby as the houses on my old street looked to me, Tim still saw the charm of the Victorian terraces. When you come from New Zealand, any building built before 1930 is a rare wonder. Tim kept stopping in front of what I thought were perfectly ordinary houses, wanting to take a photo. (Although, I admit, I did this myself when we got to Germany.)

5) British drivers are more careful than New Zealand drivers – except on the motorways

IMGP1044

Me in the Lake District

Because most of the towns in Britain were built before the invention of cars, most of the roads in Britain are narrower than the roads in New Zealand. They are made narrower still by the fact that there are usually cars parked end-to-end down both sides. You’d think this would make British roads more dangerous than New Zealand roads, but my boyfriend didn’t find this to be the case. Rather, it forces drivers to go slower and be on constant lookout for obstacles, whereas in New Zealand, because the roads are wider and obstacle-free, drivers can get more complacent.

My dad’s always saying that British drivers are far better than Kiwi drivers, and the statistics would seem to back this up, but we found the general standard of driving on the motorway was actually a lot dodgier in Britain. People were constantly crossing barely two metres in front of us without indicating, from both sides, and everyone else seemed to be going fifteen miles above the speed limit at all times.

Miles, not kilometres, as it is in New Zealand.

6) Food in Britain is cheaper, but not necessarily healthier

We were walking round a supermarket, (it was a Morrisons, so draw your own conclusions about that,) and we were amazed. There were so many brands to choose from compared to the supermarkets in New Zealand, yet, somehow, so little choice.

This is what the nation eats?” I said. It was cheap, but not in a good way. “Is it possible to eat healthily in this country?” I’m sure it probably is, but certainly not if you’re a lazy person.

7) English bakeries are better than New Zealand bakeries, but not as good as German ones

IMGP1219

England also has some absolutely gorgeous tea rooms, such as this one in Lincoln

A famous snack in New Zealand is the pie – piping hot, in a plastic wrapper, relatively cheap from a bakery or dairy… just try not to think too hard about what’s in it. In England, my boyfriend discovered the pasty – cheaper even than pies, yet far nicer. He developed quite a liking for them, once he’d learned the correct pronunciation of ‘pasty’. It was quite funny, really, when we walked into one of the bakeries in my hometown and he asked, in a loud Kiwi accent, “What’s a Scotch egg?”

Even funnier was when we asked my uncle if there were any sushi bars around and received the incredulous reply, “In Retford?!”

8) Britain has a serious lack of sushi bars

In Auckland, it seems like every second shop is a sushi bar. If you want a fresh, tasty lunch that’s also cheap and healthy, sushi is the only way to go. My boyfriend and I love sushi and, in England – all over Europe, in fact – this was the biggest thing we missed from New Zealand. It’s all very well having pasties and custard tarts and pain au chocolat, but we just wanted something fresh.

9) It’s impossible to get away from civilisation in England

Even in the beautiful Lake District National Park, as you survey the lakes and the mountains, you see farmhouses and field boundaries, a natural landscape tamed and shaped by humanity. There is spectacular nature there, but not wild, untamed nature like you get in New Zealand.

The English landscape has been inhabited for so long that it’s become interwoven with human history. But that in itself is beautiful. In England, you can be walking through a forest and come across some mystically beautiful stone ruins. The farmhouses in the Lake District are beautiful farmhouses. England has a manmade beauty that New Zealand simply doesn’t.

Castlerigg, a stone circle that's about 5000 years old in the Lake District

Castlerigg, a stone circle that’s about 5000 years old in the Lake District

10) England is as nice as it can be made; New Zealand is as nice as it can be kept

That’s a direct quote from Tim. No sooner had he come out with it, I was scribbling it down in my notebook. The ideal of beauty in New Zealand is nature as untouched as possible by humanity; the ideal of beauty in England is nature perfected by humanity. Both have their merits, and, as Tim said, you can’t say one is better than the other. However, by the time I’d spent three months surrounded by beautiful civilisation, I was definitely longing for some good old Kiwi countryside.

In fact, before we’d even left Europe, we were planning a New Zealand campervan foray. Ever since I wrote that article about the Kea, Tim’s wanted to go in search of them. So, to the Southern Alps it is. Particularly apt after encountering the original Alps in Europe…

Chester Cathedral

Chester Cathedral

Back to Blighty, or Poms Away Up Top

I’m so excited. I’m about to go to Europe for three months and my first stop is England. My home. I haven’t seen it in six years.

I moved to New Zealand when I was ten. I’m twenty-three now and, in thirteen years, I’ve only been back to England once. I was seventeen then and I loved it. I hadn’t, as my parents said, idealised it in my mind. The good bits were just as good as I remembered. This time, however, will be different.

This time, I will have my boyfriend with me.

Milford Sound

Milford Sound, a place in New Zealand so beautiful that Rudyard Kipling called it the eighth wonder of the world

My boyfriend is a New Zealander. He’s grown up taking it for granted that he lives in the most beautiful country on earth. He, like most New Zealanders, thinks England is a dreary, grotty, rainy place with little or no unspoiled countryside. And to a certain extent he’s right.

I’m determined to show him that England does actually have places of natural beauty. I’m going to take him to the most beautiful place I can think of, a place where I seemed to spend a lot of my childhood: the Lake District.

But I’ve been looking at some old photos of the Lake District and it suddenly struck me as barren. In New Zealand, most places you can go walking are covered in luscious rainforest – the great New Zealand bush. The Lake District is all bare hills and fields (and lakes, of course.) I’m worried Tim will survey it and say, “The Waitakeres are better.”

I don’t know about the Waitakeres, but the southwest of the South Island…

Sherwood Forest

Sherwood Forest

I just want him to like England – to be impressed by it – to appreciate where I come from. I suppose it’s like introducing him to an important relative who I know has flaws.

I know he’s going to be disappointed when I take him to Sherwood Forest. He spent his childhood pretending to be Robin Hood – as did I, actually – but his Sherwood was populated with tree ferns and kauri. My Sherwood, the real Sherwood, is a bit… sparse.

Well, let’s put it this way, you probably wouldn’t want to shoot a Robin Hood film there. Yet I still hold a torch to it.

I love England – that green and pleasant land – and I don’t want my standards to be questioned. At least I’m safe in my certainty that England has better historical buildings that New Zealand.

After three weeks in England, we’re flying to Germany to meet Tim’s extended family. I’ve never been to mainland Europe, so I know I’ll enjoy it. Even if I’ll have to try incredibly hard not to make a Great Escape reference every time we get on a bus.

We’ll be going by train mostly, though, through France, Belgium, the Netherlands, Italy, Austria, the Czech Republic, and maybe Spain if we can squeeze it in. It’s going to be the biggest adventure of our lives, one that most young New Zealanders aspire to, the Big O. E.

O. E. stands for Overseas Experience and it’s a great Kiwi tradition. As beautiful as New Zealand is, it is very small and isolated, and young people can get a bit claustrophobic. Having lived here since I was ten, I completely get why. I’m itching to get away, but definitely not for good. New Zealand is the place I want to grow old in.

Because New Zealand is awesome.

There’s a reason I’m worried my boyfriend won’t be impressed by England. You’d have to have seen New Zealand – especially the southwest of the South Island – to understand why.

The Wizard's Vale

Glenorchy, New Zealand